I once received an emergency call to help someone who was suicidal. Of course I agreed to see him right away. As soon as he arrived it became clear what the problem was. He began listing all of the things that were wrong with him that made him want to kill himself. It turned out that all of these “things” were feelings.

He was convinced that his feelings were so unacceptable that the only possible solution was to remove himself from the face of the earth.

As he listed each horrible thing that he believed was “wrong with him,” I said, “But everyone feels that way!”

Each time he looked at me quizzically. “They do?”

And every time I repeated, quite emphatically, “Yes! They do!” Then I backed it up with many common examples, including examples of my own personal experience with these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

We went back and forth about this for over an hour. He would describe something that was “wrong” with him and I would say, “Everyone has that.” Again he would appear surprised and again I would convince him it was entirely ordinary. At the end of the session, he left feeling extremely happy. To this day he hasn’t had another episode of suicidal thinking. So what happened there?

The Problem of Ownership

Have you ever noticed that when you think of something as “mine” you don’t want to let go of it, even if it causes you suffering?

This is how we’re thinking when we say “I’m hurt” or “I’m angry.” We’re thinking these thoughts and feelings belong to us personally.

This kind of thinking pulls you into those feelings, as though you’re fused with them. It’s as though suddenly you are your hurt feelings – you are your anger. It’s not accurate, but that’s how we tend to think about it.

This complicates the whole issue of dealing with reactions and upsets. If I think this hurt is a part of me, that it defines who I am (even if only in this moment) it could be embarrassing to reveal it. And feeling embarrassed isn’t high on my list of enjoyments.

But what if you noticed that you’re separate from your thoughts and feelings? Think about it for a moment: I am not my thoughts and feelings.

Thinking this, you can more easily stop calling your emotions “mine.” Now you can just label them as experiences, or even just “objects in awareness”: Hmm, look at this intense object in my awareness – how interesting!

We rarely question this seemingly natural sense of ownership of “my” thoughts, feelings and sensations. It’s a profound error that causes untold amounts of suffering. Ownership implies uniqueness. If it’s mine, if it’s “me” then it can’t also be “yours” – it can’t be you and me. If you judge something to be your unique flaw or shortcoming, you’re probably going to suffer shame and self-hatred.

This idea of unique ownership, and the shame and self-hatred that go with holding onto this idea, blinds us to the fact that what we are experiencing is a universal human emotion. It’s a set of feelings and sensations that every human being has probably thought or felt at one time or another. So it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Would you like to convince yourself? You can practice this way:

Think to yourself, “I’m noticing a fearful thought in my awareness right now . . . and a fearful sensation in the (not my) body.” As you observe what it’s like to have this thought and this sensation, realize that this is a human experience, not your personal and unique, shameful experience.

Practicing thinking this way may seem weird, robotic even. But doing it has a surprising effect — it takes the power of persuasion away from those attacking or fearful thoughts, and removes the sting from the emotions they cause. Instead of becoming a robot, you will become more yourself. You’ll be a more relaxed human being.

And what’s more, as you become adept at noticing your thought/feeling state, you can begin to sense the age of the former ‘you’ who used to feel powerless and weird whenever you were in that state. As you sense yourself in that place and time of your life, you can consciously shift her posture so that it is upright, open and present, full of awareness. As you hold this posture, absorb this freed-up energy into your heart. This, too, helps you become a more and more a relaxed human being! Not unique maybe, but definitely happier.

Good luck. Have fun!

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